You expect happiness from someone else, you can’t control
Lisa is a very sweet pretty traditional Asian girl. One day, she met a handsome young Aussie gentleman Peter at a party.
Lisa was fascinated as Peter was exactly what she imagined perfect boyfriend type: good looking, tall, attractive, kind and polite, especially he understands Chinese Confucius.
Lisa dreamed one day if they could marry, how wonderful that would be, Peter has western appearance with Chinese mind.
Excellent!! Peter understands Chinese culture; he might get along very well with Lisa’s parents.
Though Lisa was a very popular girl, she was only crazy about Peter by ignoring all the other guys.
Meanwhile, Lisa and Peter did develop a good relationship.
Lisa gave Peter so much love with her heart, she could do anything for Peter and she cared about him more than herself, what a nice girl!!
However, Peter was not what Lisa imagined a traditional Chinese man inside, he still has western mind.
Especially, Peter couldn’t make commitment to a marriage at such an early age as he hasn’t found a proper job without completing a Uni degree.
They had cultural conflicts in various ways, in the end, the relationship stopped.
Lisa was hurt and heart broke as she spent a lot of time and effort on Peter but she couldn’t get what she wanted.
Life is variable; it is not always like a fairy tale story- happy ending.
You can only regard it as life experience, growing up with someone and learning things together.
If you have high expectation, you think you can win someone by giving up yourself, give your 100% love and try to change the other side, that would only give you disappointment because setting a goal on a person is very unrealistic, you can’t control it, which will only give you tremendous pain, frustration and upset.
Please change it, set a goal on your hobbies and interests, on the way you pursue your dream, you will have more chance meet someone amazing.
I love what Anthony Robbins said:
As long as we structure our lives in a way where our happiness is dependent upon something we cannot control, then we will experience pain.
You make a rule unachievable
My brother, Tom was planning keeping fit, when his friend told him: “If you buy a one year gym membership, you can get discount price, and also it won’t be charged if you go on holidays.”
What a good bargain!!!
Tom made a rule: “I won’t waste membership; I must do gym at least 45minutes/day”.
To start with, Tom was very excited and energetic; he put photos on the wechat to show his friends that he’s doing gym.
I was also very proud of him: “Wow, excellent. Keep going; please do not stop.”
After a couple of months, I could’t see the posting, I called Tom: “Hey, are you still doing gym?”
“No, I stopped.” Tom was not happy.
“Really,how could be?”
“My legs were really sore after gym, I was worn out. The following day, I couldn’t stand still, even couldn’t walk properly, I was nearly sick, no, gym is not for me.”
“Hang on, how can you get such a conclusion so early?”
“Can you change your rule make it achievable, why don’t you do 10 minutes, then you can add time gradually once you are used to it. That’s what exactly I did.” I replied.
“Well, you know, I have to drive to the gym place, find a parking space and pay for the fee which also cost money, only 10 minutes, it’s not worth.”
Now, I understand Tom’s problem, as he hasn’t done exercise for years, to start with, he set up standard too high, and he couldn’t reach it, which frustrated and discouraged him so much.
Then he found a lot of excuses for not doing gym.
Actually, it is quite simple, change your rule, set it easier to achieve.
If you can do it 10min or 20min per time, you will enjoy it and really happy about your achievement.
Once you have developed a good habit, it will boost your self-confidence.
If one day, you don’t do it, you feel like something missing in your life. In the end, you find you love gym so much you could not live without it.
After you have built up a solid foundation, it’s very easy to move on, 30min, 40min, or even more.
One day, you will be very proud: “What a surprise, I have been doing gym for 5 years, you see my selfie on the wechat with such amazing body.”
Therefore, no matter what you are doing, please make it achievable at the beginning.
At this stage, self-confidence is more important than whether you’ve acheived your ultimate goal or not.
You must make yourself feel good, if you are not happy about what you are doing, it is very easy to give up at the beginning because you can’t reach the goal you set up.
Again you may also like what Anthony Robbins said: You could be winning and feel like you’re losing because the scorecard you’re using is unfair.
only focus on the results, not really enjoy process
When I was learning “Admin Management” at the Uni of ECNU in China, I was not that happy, as I only focused on the results which could help me win scholarship from Latrobe Uni in Australia.
Though I have got very high marks in some subjects, but I tried to compete with someone who got a few marks higher than me. I blamed myself why I was so careless, why I didn’t check clearly.
No matter how high marks I’ve got, I was not totally satisfied, as I was stuck on a few marks I missed to make it 100% correct, which stressed me a lot.
I even didn’t know what knowledge I’ve obtained that time because I only focused on the skills how to pass the exams in order to be the top student in the class.
Now I will only spend money on things which make me grow and enjoy, I don’t care how long it takes to reach the destination, I will pay more attention on the journey.
It’s just like my writing, if I only focus on how many followers I’ve got, whether I can make money out of it or not, then I will never be happy.
Because if I compare with some professional ones with 100,000+ readers, then I might have to stop writing.
I just enjoy writing at the moment, even if no one read, I will still keep writing, because it’s a way I can improve English, and through writing, I am improving myself by reading more books and also I can make nice friends who cares my writing.
Therefore, set up a goal as a direction for pointing out which way I should go, make sure I won’t go to the wrong place. Most important thing is that I enjoy interesting things happen on the way to the final destination.
So, I don’t care how long it takes because I enjoy every moment for what I am doing.
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